Monday, January 21, 2013


The European Space Agency released photos taken last year that show an ancient, now-dry riverbed. This has come as an unprecedented shock to the public, most of whom were unaware that Europe has a space agency. In addition, it’s also pretty cool that there was once a river on Mars. However, you may be asking yourself “Isn’t NASA the one covering the surface of Mars with adorable, dust-scooping, rock scanning robots? Why are they still futzing around with drills and spectroscopy if the ESA has already figured out where J’onn J’onnz went innertubing?” If you’re asking yourself this, welcome to the Internet! You’re obviously new here. There are some funny pictures of cats here, also nobody in Africa actually wants to give you free money. Or anywhere else, for that matter. At any rate, once you’ve spent a little time on the Internet, you’ll discover that NASA exists for only two purposes. First, to lie about going to other worlds. Second, to cover up the mind-bending things they found on the other worlds that apparently they went to after all. So it goes without saying that NASA has all sort of dope on Mars — all sort of Mars-dope — that they’re not sharing with the public. Remember a couple months ago when some scientist at NASA said there was some sort of shocking news about Mars that they were going to announce, and then his higher-ups said “No, no shocking news here. Nope.” Have you heard that that scientist died shortly thereafter in a “mysterious” plane crash? You probably will, that seems like the sort of thing someone would make up. However, this is your lucky day, fans of hypothetical, long-gone, extraterrestrial bodies of water! I happen to have a contact in NASA’s Department of Cover-Ups, Mars Division, Aquatic Artifacts division. He was willing to share information on the various top-secret discoveries that NASA has made on Mars, on the condition that I not write an article about it. Sucks to be you, contact! Here are three shocking pieces of evidence that Mars once had liquid water. 1. “The Rover Opportunity discovered a strange rock formatiElysium Onon that, after extensive analysis with chemical and spectrographic tools, turned out to be an empty soup packet. Scientists generally agree that it would be highly unlikely for any organic life form to consume soup only in dust form, which implies that Mars must have once had water to turn the soup dust into actual soup. 2. It turns out that Elysium Mons, the fifth-highest mountain on Mars, is made almost entirely out of polyethylene foam. This, in an of itself, is not particularly notable or unexpected. More shocking was the discovery that there are holes in the mountain in the shape of long cylinders, as if someone — or some-MAR-one — had been extracting what can only be called “pool noodles.” While some experts suggest that instead, the foam was extracted to make swords for a sort of Martian SCA, most agree that the existence of pool noodles implies the existence of water, chlorine, and Marco Polo. 3. NASA scientists have uncovered shocking evidence that Dick Morris believes that there has never, ever been water on Mars. As one of the world’s most consistently wrong people, Morris’s statement nearly guarantees that the opposite is true. Nuclear physicists are currently lobbying Morris to declare that cold fusion is an impossibility.

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